I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
