Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
