so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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