I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
