My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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