shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
