I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
