I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
