I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
