i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
