Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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