I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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