I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
