1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
