I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
