omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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