Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
