i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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