a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
