Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
