Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
