I must be too annoying 4 u.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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