Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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