I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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