You're completely useless in the revolution.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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