I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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