Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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