is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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