you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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