Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
