I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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