I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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