I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am available for nakedness
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
