She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
