i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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