I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
