I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize