How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
