I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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