i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
