The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
