I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
