If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i think i scared a bird with my dick
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just had sex on a roof
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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