You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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