Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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