dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
