I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
