Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She needs sedatives and a leash
You're a waste of cheezeits
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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