If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
