She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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