Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
even my farts smell like vagina
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
