I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
