i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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