I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
