I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You ate ashes out of my bong
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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