someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
