I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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