I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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