So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
